Decisions decisions decisions.
Haven’t you made some pretty dumb decisions in your life? I definitely have, and they aren’t always easy to come back from, but there is nothing else you can do but that.
Growing up, everyone tells you how “none of this matters”, “the drama doesn’t matter”, “let it go” etc. But why? It truly does. Those experiences shape you in even the tiniest ways. Here is my first true “blog” and I am going to tell you a little about myself.
I am 24 years old, I am married, I have a Bup (@scarlett.the.bup), we have our own apartment in a beautiful city, our careers are going, relationship is goals, we have traveled to many cities/countries, I cherish family and absolutely adore my friends. But it wasn’t always this way, nor was it easy to attain.
3 years old and growing up with two sets of grandparents & then some. Not ever truly having a “home.” Uncertain what the weekend may bring. My life completely changed when I was 11. I was screaming for attention and nobody heard it. I did have a family & parents, but I relied on friends and their parents for rides, food, advice, etc. This age is dangerous when growing up. Minds are changing, bodies are changing, nothing makes sense and who ‘tf was there to explain these situations and help get through them!? Middle school to high school was, again, a huge transition in life. I was ripped away from some of my best friends and now set to make new ones. Again, relying on new friends, the cycle continued. Except, no one truly tells you how crucial these relationships are.
I definitely have repressed memories for SO many years of my life. Someone can tell me about a memory they so easily remember and I have to sit there and think long and hard just to remember a glimpse of it- maybe. I actually have to ask questions in order to make sure I know what they are talking about. Not remembering the hurtful moments, has also caused me to forget the good ones. How awful, right!?
Which brings me to where I am now.
I truly feel awful to everyone that was destroyed by me and my actions along the way to finding myself. I always had my guard up, to protect. I lashed out and pushed away, to ensure that I got to you first before you found a reason to leave, too. This mentality was dangerous and it was the fault of many failed friendships, relationships, and failed commitments. I am sorry.
So what now?
This has truly felt like a 12 step program. Admit what I’ve done, accept it, make a decision to change, get help- go to therapy, talk openly about it, and just freaking do it.
So that is what I did. Accepting demons and other peoples demons for that matter because wtf, I was a child- children should be protected, they shouldn’t feel what adults are feeling, adults are a child’s only world. But then, I wasn’t a child anymore… it was time to make my own decisions, and as a teenager, I had failed at doing so.
I decided that starting with my relationship was the best place to start. After all, this is the man that is choosing me, every single day. He has seen me at my lows and he deserves me at my highs. Having a truly supportive significant other was very important, after all, he is the one I want to spend my life with. He understood the blow ups, anxiety attacks, and more, and even when he didn’t, he took it all with the thought of, ‘she is working on it, we are working on it, and we will get through this.’
Do not underestimate therapy. Why is it so taboo? I have seen different therapists and there is something intriguing about the fact that this person doesn’t know anything about you, so you can be you- strange, right? My first therapist actually taught me how to control my anxiety better, find the root, and meditate- do I do this often? not anymore, but it was part of the steps I had to learn. Finding the root! So important. My OCD and need for control were a negative thing, but I have turned them into positives in my life. When finding a therapist, do not just make an appointment. Research. Decide what elements you need in order to feel comfortable. When you have your first session, it is not to scare you or intimidate you… you need to interview the therapist. Ask your therapist, “what kind of therapy modality do you use and how will you use it with me?” and go from there. I learned that modalities are “types” of skills and styles that a therapist uses. For example, mine got his education (masters) but did specific trainings and much more education over the years to truly help his patients use meditation as part of their healing process. He never steered away from it… so if your therapist is confused or says they practice many types, etc. schedule an appointment with a different one and try again. Your health is important, get through this process- even if it seems a bit stressful.
Bottom line, life is not always flowers and rainbows. Nor will you ever see rainbows if you don’t work your ass off to find your flaws and weaknesses and make a change for the better. Get up everyday, love yourself with positive affirmations, find a reason to do something each day, set goals, have a hobby do some crafts. Your past is in the past. Learn from it and move ‘tf on. Get through it, talk about every feeling you feel, at the very least, embrace those feelings. Let people in. Check in with your friends, remind them that they are important. Check in on your family members. People don’t have to like you. Be you, and if someone doesn’t like that you are doing your absolute best, forget them.
Happy 2021, the comeback, the get healthy, the do you year (but do it forever)!
I am beautiful, I am strong, I am loved, I am kind.